Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Written on

COSMIC IDOL II: The Wrath of the STAR TREK Edition

And welcome back to another exciting edition of…COSMIC IDOOOLLLLL!

Let’s hear a big, big galactic congratulations for Cüneyt Arkin and his incredible Exploding Rock Orchestra! Way to go, Cüneyt!

And now…prepare to witness a truly incredible performer. Alien green women everywhere shriek whenever he takes the stage. Busty yeoman in tight red uniforms all despise "love" his sexual harassment.

Yes, that’s right! Ladies and gentle monopods with slightly gelatinous membranes, please welcome the one and only…Captain James T. Kirk!

Wasn’t that…unique!

And, if you listen very closely, you may actually hear Sinatra attempting to claw his way up from the grave every time this peerless performance plays.

But wait! Who is this exotic male specimen joining our competition? Why, it’s none other than that swinging cat, Mr. Spock!

Our favorite first officer makes the only logical decision and strikes back with his Vulcan voice, singing what appears to be cribbed dust jacket copy from THE HOBBIT.

Let's give a rousing "live love and prosper" salute to...Mr. Spock!

Imagine if he continued doing this with other books:

Well, Jane was girl with an at-ti-tude/
She didn’t like her school that was un-der-stood

Then one day she ran into a man
He needed a governess so she formed a plan…

We call her Jane! Jane…Eyre!
She’s all about conviction and that’s on~ly fair!

Captain, sensors are detecting an excellent marketing opportunity in Quadrant Four!

But Kirk rebounds—with a lit ciggie no less!—to mumble croon his way through an Elton John standard. (Prepare thyself for an out-of-body experience halfway through this—and I mean that literally.)

I think…you’ll ha---ve to agree. His staccato style…reallybringsoutthebest…of…this…song!

So gentle, mostly carbon-based beings, now is your time to enact the power you have and vote! Which one of these mind-blowing, star-shattering, universe-engulfing performances will keep you up all night breaking your furniture?

Hit me up in the comments and we’ll see who reigns supreme on the next edition of COOOOoooOOsmic IDOLLLLLLLL!

Lyrically yours,