Thursday, February 19, 2009

COSMIC IDOL III: The Final Conflict

And welcome back to the final installment of COSSSSSMICCCC IDDDDDDOLLLL!

Smirking his way up on stage right now, Captain James Tiberius Kirk gladly accepts his award for his stunning vocals. Of course, you may think he had the deck stacked in his favor—and you’d be absolutely right! We are talking about the only person to conquer the Kobayashi Maru.

For tonight’s epic line up, we’ve saved the best for last.

Flying in from Mumbai, let’s hear a ferocious COSMIC IDOL welcome for…Indian Superman and Spiderwoman!

What villain could possibly stand up to their combined might—or their seductive dance moves? (Cinema scuttlebutt says this may have been a deleted scene from SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE, but I have my doubts. I mean really…how could anyone possibly cut this??)

Whallopin’ Websnappers! What a performance!

Next up, we have Jan Terri and her out-of-this-world smash hit, “Journey to Mars!” See! Jan and pals take the train! Gasp! At a slew of mid-nineties screensavers and PC game cut-scenes (hey wait, isn’t that BABYLON 5?)! And point! As they…board the train again!

What can I add? Arriving at Chicago O’Hare was never so much fun!

Our next entry doesn’t have anything to do with SF, but I simply could not overlook this grandiloquent plunge into romantic fantasy. Every romance cliché you’ve ever read, dreamed, or thought of suffuses every millimeter of this mini-LOTR epic.

If you’ve ever longed for Elric of Melniboné to take the mic, your day of wonder has arrived. Elric’s long-lost, twice-removed cousin’s pool guy leads his newfound lady love before many greenscreens...when three witches attack! The situation grows dire as Dr. Doom shuns his kingdom of Latveria (along with his Marvel copyright) and then…uh, something about a sailing ship, dragons, frost queens, alligators(?), and MATRIX-trained dominatrixes—all set against the Revolutionary War taking place in Narnia. (Okay, I watched this thing five times. Let’s hear it if you can crack its cryptic plot.)

But who am I to suggest a little clarity? This stormbringer doesn’t need story structure. He’s too busy leaping off cliffs, swashbuckling on schooners, and taming those angry snow ‘gators. Tally ho!

Finally, we arrive at an entry that’s just so overflowing with awesomeness, mere words cannot hope to convey its galactic resplendency.

Let’s just say that if you’ve ever wondered what might happen if the DNA of ABBA collided with a space station varsity cheer squad–all while being choreographed by a Swedish Stevie Wonder—well, here’s your answer. (And really, who hasn’t lost sleep mulling over that very scenario from time to time?)

Ladies and muck-encrusted, shambling mockery of men…please give your most heartfelt, non-pretender welcome to Armi & Danny!

Ah, Swedish calisthenics in space have never been the same since…!

And so there you have it. Flood the comments and light up the phone lines now; multi-appendage operators are standing by to take your vote.

Until next time, throw me the whip and the...COSMIC IDOLLLLLLLLL!

Vocally Yours,