Hello there, writer types.
This is your heroine speaking and I have a few things I’d like to say to you. First of all – thanks! I would not be alive without you and please don’t think that I don’t appreciate it. Despite all the pain and angst and danger you put me through, it’s still better than never having lived at all.
And I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but there are one or two (OK, five!) things I have a little, itty-bitty problem with. Please bear with me and let me get this off my chest, then I’ll willingly go back to doing whatever you want me to do.
1. Please don’t name me Cat! Do you know how many other heroines there are named Cat? (answer is 772). And while we’re on the subject, please don’t name me Catherine, Cathy, Katy, Kat, Katya, Caitlyn, Kathleen or ANY OTHER NAME THAT WILL INEVITABLY BE SHORTENED TO CAT! Also, please don’t name me Lilith.
2. While we’re on the name thing, please don’t name me Al’Bsi’Ryzh, or if you simply HAVE to name me something that requires numerous apostrophes, could you at least name me something that can be shortened into a cute little nickname that most definitely is not Cat?
3. If you’re gonna make me a kick ass heroine with awesome skills with guns/lasers/swords/martial arts/etc., could you please give me a little on-page training session? While you’re taking your post-writing-frenzy nap, guess what I’m doing? That’s right. I’m working my booty off, perfecting those kick ass skills. Hey, heroines need to sleep sometimes, too, ya know. If you want me to destroy the villain in hand-to-hand combat, please give me a little credit and show off to the reader how damn hard I have to work to stay totally kick ass.
4. If you absolutely have to make me a virgin heroine, please do me a favor, do a little research, and then tell the damn truth. My hymen is not a rampart to be stormed. Neither is it located halfway to kingdom come up the birth canal of love. Don’t get your facts about basic female anatomy from romance novels. Biology texts are much better.
5. One last thing – if you make me fall in love with a guy who treats me like shit for most of the story (e.g. is convinced I’m evil/I’m an enemy spy/I’m a whore/I killed his mother/etc.) then make sure he gives me a damn good grovel at the end. The worse he’s treated me, the better the grovel has to be. I mean it! If I don’t get promised the moon and the stars and the universe, never-ending happiness, and a lifetime supply of foot rubs, I’ll be off with the nearest space geek in town, just as soon as you have written ‘The End.’ I really know how to scupper a happy ever after if I don’t get my grovel!
Hey, thanks for listening. I really don’t mean to sound ungrateful, and I’m sure YOU would never commit any of the above-mentioned deadly sins. (Though I have it on excellent information that Agent Z. has committed at least three.)
Be seeing ya!
Your Heroine .jpg)
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Attention, please! This is your heroine speaking!
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25 comments:
LOL--love it!
5. One last thing – if you make me fall in love with a guy who treats me like shit for most of the story (e.g. is convinced I’m evil/I’m an enemy spy/I’m a whore/I killed his mother/etc.) then make sure he gives me a damn good grovel at the end. The worse he’s treated me, the better the grovel has to be.
Okay, I may be in the minority here, but no amount of groveling would make me give this guy a chance. As Dr. Phil would say, the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior. Even in fiction there's a difference in conflict between the charcters and the hero treating heroine like shit. Conflict can be resolved, shit continues to happen even after the end of the book.
Can you tell I'm suffering a bad case of hero frustration lately? LOL
Thank you so much for saying what I think we've all been thinking! One more - don't make you're kick ass strong heroines cold hearted and so serious they never crack a smile or have fun until some man comes along to turn her into puddling goo so she no longer knows how to do anything without his help.
Yeah, I'm suffering hero frustration as well... :)
SO agreeing with anon ^^^
That's exactly why I took a break from the UF genre for a while.
Plus this...
"My hymen is not a rampart to be stormed."
Made me LOL. See this is why I miss visiting this blog, Heather! I'm now wiping my forehead that I skirted by disappointing my current heroine in waiting based on this list (hopefully I'll be able to keep that up!)
*hides my heroine - Katya Ortaega - behind my back*
Honest, the hero never calls her Cat, lol
My heroines are happy to report their heroes haven't committed the "treat them like shit" faux pas. But Katrina recommends maybe her nick should be changed to...Trina! :)
I just had a "Princess Bride" flashback...
"Have fun storming da castle!"
*snorgles*
definitely need my tea...
How about, if I'm portrayed as a total kick ass woman who can take down most anyone, human, alien or hybrid, that the introduction of the hero doesn't suddenly mean I have all the martial skills of the writer of this comment. If I've never needed to be saved before in my damselly distress, why start now? Now if I'm arrogant about my right hook and need a comeuppance it's fine if the hero is "better" at that, but please. Don't remove my brain and capabilities and replace them with marshmallow fluff just because I fall in love.
Addendum to Cat or Al’Bsi’Ryzh: Please don't stick me with a too-cute "attribute-based" moniker designed to sound either soap-opera-ish or something a pole-dancer in a strip club would use. Lt Star Bright. Or Commander Wind Whisper, or worse, Commander Wynde Whysper. Puh-leeze. Do not name the hero Rock or Stone, or try to disguise that as Rahk Harde.
"It's star-crossed love when Commander Wynde Whysper meets pirate captain Rahk Harde!"
Puh-leeze. (Unless you're a script writer for Mel Brooks or Comedy Central...)
Unless you're writing high camp, names like Wynter Dawne, River Brooke, and Scarlette Hart are just plain amateurish. Cheesy.
20,001 Names for Baby is a great place to start without resorting to cheesy cutesyness. If your characters are future Earth or alternate-Earth then they'd likely have relatively normal names to us. We still use Rachel, which is biblical. We rarely use Beowulf, though that doesn't mean it won't come back into fashion in 500 years.
If you're making up alien names, use our world as a template. Yes we have Johns and Janes but we also have Ademars and Quan-Yins. You can find sources for Hindi names, Irish names, Polynesian names and more on the Internet. Use it.
But puh-leeze. No more Velvet Nebulas. ~Linnea
And never, EVER, Mary Sue.
Nice points in article, and Linnea's post made me laugh. Did anyone else play with toys called My Little Pony as a child? That's what those silly names made me think back to. I like websites for parents-to-be for finding names too.
Hero frustration, me too!
No amount of kissing the heroine's feet will ever make up for treating her badly (no matter the author's "reasons"). That's a deal breaker to me.
Yes! The names! They burn my eyes! Burrrrrn!
n.b. my security word is niedkat...Oh noes, that's in direct violation of Rule # 1...CAT!
No Kats from me! I've had to live with that stupid nickname all my life. (or Kitten from the grandparents. *shudder*) And lordy do I agree with Linnea.
*stubs toe in dirt and looks pitiful* Okay, I named a ship Lillith, but that shouldn't really count since it wasn't the heroine and it has two Ls in it.
6# A baby or two would be nice. I don't want a hero who only fires blanks. Besides, all grown-ups all the time is boooooring.
Snert! "Velvet Nebula" A hearty amen, sister, to Writer and Cat about not letting love melt the heroine's brain and/or tactical skills. I *will* cop to one of the posted sins: My hero is indeed assigned to find out whether or not the heroine is a spy...but there are so many better ways to wrest information from someone than by being an angry jerk. How much more fun is it for everyone involved if you seduce information out of your subject? Besides, people being jack asses to one another does not conflict make. Necessarily. (Reality TV not withstanding...)
LOL, this conversation is awesome. I'll admit, my very first heroine was a Katya, but I didn't call her Kat. But I don't think that MS will ever see the light of day, so there you go.
Can I add Genevieve/Gwenevieve and all such variations to the name list? It's ridiculously popular in urban fantasy it feels like.
Like Katherine, I've lived with various "Cat" nicknames all my life. (Yes, even "Kitten" from my mother.) Naming one of my characters any variation of my own name has never EVER crossed my mind. As for the other four suggestions, no violations there either. Thanks for chuckle : )
Also, what Writer and Cat says. Falling in love =/= loss of brains and ability.
Oh, and I totally think someone needs to start a blog called "The Velvet Nebula" if they haven't already.
~Cathy, not "Cat"
I have an easy rule when it comes to names. If I can't remember how to spell it without scrolling back and checking, I don't use it.
How about if the heroine is rude and horrible to the hero? Is it OK for her to realise part-way through that he's actually sexy and has a nice personality? lol, I'm writing this book...
My heroine read this post and is now on strike. Little beyotch wants to be a villain!
I'm tempted to give her an unpronouncable name to teach her a lesson
LMAO!!!! This is great.
Oh, and my heroine, THE Princess Sera Placido, wants you to know that she is in agreement with you. However, she also insists that she is no shrinking violet and has been trained to fire weapons because she's royalty.
She also torments me with Britney Spears. *sobs*.
(My hero, Leo, just rolled his eyes. God, these two were a pain in the ass).
Awesome post!
Most excellent Heather. Can I also add a request that the heroine be allowed to eat, sleep, and occasionally take a bathroom break? I laugh when a story keeps the heroine running nonstop for days on end, without food or rest.
I love your photo too - Flash Gordon remake, here I come! I would rather be Ming's daughter than Dale Arden.
While I agree with most of that Please please don't make her have body issues that my biggest pet peeve! Or she's 40 and their talking about her wrinkles. Bugs me!
Very funny. :D Thanks for the laugh.
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