Them first two archetypes is likely to be Martian by birth. They’re the most agro of the eight with the biggest designs on ruling the galaxy by hook or by crook. Most of the other archetypes are fellow abductees. Except for you and me, of course, because when the Earth God done made us, he broke the mold. So here’s the competition:
Type 3f: The Earthling Captured by the King of the Galaxy Because He Thinks She's Destined to Be His Mate (aka the Spunky Kid): After the big mass 'napping, this archetype, who I’ll call Cranky Pants (because “Spunky Pants” is just ew), sits around making sarcastic comments about scifi movies, eating every fattening alien food they offer, and refusing to believe she's actually on a space ship. If those Traxian Seers hadn't seered her, she'd have been of no interest to the King or anybody. Seriously. Those Traxians have a lot to answer for.
Cranky Pants is kind of a wuss, too. Case in point, when she comes up with some great escape plan to get you and the other abductees free once you've gotten your alien kicks, she'll let you take credit for her ideas. And then when the plan falls through because you maybe changed it some to leave more time for packing, she takes the blame. Actually takes the blame. If she weren’t so sarcastic and annoying, you might even feel bad.
If you plan to attract the King for yourself, whatever you do, do not let Cranky Pants get a makeover. Put her hair up and suddenly she's the most beautiful creature on or off Earth, which is stupid because you're the one who did aerobics for six months and got the facial peel before getting yourself abducted by aliens. Now a bun and some lip gloss turns Miss “I Hate All The Worlds” into a superstarmodel? Come on.
Type 4f: The Freaky Friend Who Warned The Destined Mate She Was About To Go On a Long Journey (aka the Free Spirit): Miss Freak—no, not that kinda freak, this ain’t the 1980s—gets scooped up by the woman-snatching transport beam by accident-like, when the beam snags all the women gathered for the Freak’s séance. Do not ever let the Freak be the speaker for the newly kidnapped Earth women or the alien men will think you're all freaks and try to send you back. That almost happened, no joke, until the Traxian Seer made ‘em keep us because of the prophecied Cranky Pants.
Freak, however, is a total dingbat. She’d lose her head if it weren’t attached to her neck. The thing is, she always seemed like she wasn't from Earth nohow. It might be she's a secret agent who picked out the best Earthlings to kidnap. In fact, she might be that interfering Traxian Seer who thought the shrew with the big ass should get the King of the Galaxy instead of you and then joined with all the other bit—, I mean, unfortunate female abductees, to give Cranky Pants that damn makeover.
One of the consistent thing about all the abductee archetypes is none of them were volunteers like you. You’d think this would earn you some space points, but no, apparently them Martians prefer Earth girls to be less easy. Come back next week and find out just how difficult they can get.
About the author
Jody Wallace writes sf and fantasy romance as herself, contemporary as Ellie Marvel, and obeys the whims of Meankitty the rest of the time. Her archetype is probably the Freaky Librarian. Maybelle's archetype is open to interpretation. FMI www.jodywallace.com & www.meankitty.com.