Thursday, October 30, 2008

Dear Ken

I’m writing because I need to get something off my chest. It’s been bothering me for a long time and I feel that you should finally know. Why me? Jô won’t tell you because he’s always busy tinkering with that car of his. Ryû is too busy stuffing his face, and Jinpei has an awful lot of responsibility what with his menagerie and all.

Jun, of course, would never presume to put her needs before yours.

So that leaves me, a stranger but longtime fan, to tell it to you straight. What’s that? Oh, please. Don’t act like you haven’t a clue as to what I’m talking about. They don’t call you the Eagle for nothing.

All right, then I’ll make it clear. I know you’ve been through hell. You don’t need me to tell you that since your father’s mysterious disappearance, you’ve carried the weight of the world on your shoulders. Not only that, but you’re the brash, intrepid leader of Kagaku ninja tai Gatchaman, a.k.a. Science Ninja Team Gatchaman. In essence, you really do carry the weight of the world on your shoulders.

Day after day, week after week, you lead your team of specially trained ninjas to battle the evil, technologically advanced Galactor organization currently terrorizing planet Earth. And I realize how anguishing it is that Red Impulse, your mentor-with-a-secret-identity, won’t give you the time of day.

However, Ken—listen to my words—that’s no reason to ignore Jun, the love of your life.

First of all, she’s an amazing warrior with superior grace. She’s also the most scientifically minded of the group—you don’t need me to remind you how many times her technical wizardry plucked you out of tough scrapes. She’s brave, too. I mean, that time she was holding the fiery GodPhoenix together with her bare hands? Gutsy.

I’ve watched her take out a dozen Galactor henchmen at once and in response, you…you merely nod your head. A head nod? What the hell is wrong with you? The next time that happens, sweep her into your arms and ravish her with a hot, breathless kiss (but, uh, you both might want to remove your helmets first).

Speaking of Jun’s physical attributes, she flaunts a wavy mane of raven black hair, full lips, and astonishingly green doe-eyes. And those hips—rowrrr! Hers are the type of hips a hero like you can really wrap your hands around. Her bosom ain’t bad, either.

But man, are you ever dense. What will it take, Ken? Just what will it take for you to recognize Jun’s adoration for you and admit you’re hopelessly in love? What will it take for you to demonstrate your feelings with more than just a bland, paternal expression of approval?

Do you realize how many times she looks at you? How many missions leave her frazzled and worried for your safety? Jun is every man’s dream, for heaven’s sake. She serves you tasty treats at her Snack J café. The woman even rocks out in her own band! If that’s not enough, here’s a Newsflash: She always sits or stands next to you, Ken, you clueless oaf!

Thank goodness I’m here, because I’ve got just the advice you need. For starters, you need to start showing off your lean, hot bod a lot more often. Yeah, like that. Jun has needs, you know.

Or maybe some therapy would help. In your case, I diagnose a case of Being Extremely Dense, so certainly a plasma shock treatment is in order.

And another thing: Quit hanging out with those Galactor goons so often. Boys’ night out is one thing, but you’re not going to defeat Galactor all by yourself. Plus, you can de-brief with Jun—I mean, c’mon! She’s way hotter than Gatchaman’s chief/father substitute Dr. Nambu.

I also recommend more alone time with her. Jinpei’s a great kid, and fiercely loyal to you both, but even though he’s Jun’s adopted brother, you’ve got to stop using him as an enabler. Get over your insecurities and take Jun away for a romantic trip to some deserted tropical island. Dr. Nambu might even let you fly aboard the GodPhoenix. Haven’t you ever thought about the kinky fun you and Jun could have while in flight, especially now with the advantage of automatic piloting?! Well, now’s a good time!

Ken, I promise you, it’ll all work out just fine. Jun understands and accepts your flaws, as do I.

Please take my words to heart and open your heart to the most intelligent, nurturing, and beautiful woman you’ll ever have the honor of knowing.

Joyfully yours,


Postus Scriptus: For more GATCHAMAN goodness, indulge in the sites and videos below:

GATCHAMAN: Home of the White Shadow